Look how far we’ve made it..

Wow. I just got done rereading the past posts and man, did I laugh reading some of my thoughts when I  thought we were in the thick of it. As it goes with this story, when my writing stopped, I proceeded to lose myself…yes, myself…you know, the only person that you actually have to have in order to continue through life. 

Flashback to the time around the holidays of 2017, I hated waking up each day. I prayed God would take me because I didn’t know how to continue on anymore. I even had thoughts that Morrison deserved someone better than me as his mom. That was a hard pill to swallow, because I’ve got huge mama bear energy.  Talk about feeling worthless.  But that little guy was the only thing that got me out of bed each day and try for the day. I would look up at the ceiling in the morning and I was certain I was living someone else’s life. I drank more than I ever should to not feel the depression, the grief, the feeling of dread, and the anxiety that something awful was going to happen next. I was having nightmares of awful things (if I actually slept). I felt absolutely trapped and paralyzed, but I was neither of those. Granted, I had pushed some major events under the rug that had changed the way my brain was processing things, I was operating on very little sleep, and I was tired. Each day felt like hell on Earth.…but there I was, eventually, facing some major health consequences and situations..and I had made it to my rock bottom.

  A miracle happened when I hit rock bottom though. And no, rock bottom wasn’t like hitting a trampoline and I  instantaneously bounced back. It was a long, long (did I say long?) climb up, but the difference from the trajectory down to the climb back up was that I was no longer alone. I knew if I was still breathing that God was there with me and my job wasn’t done yet. I not only asked for help, but I actually accepted the help. That was a significant point when I started accepting the help. God put people in my life that loved me enough, unconditionally, to help put me back together. It was nothing short of a miracle. And even more of a miracle is that when We got  myself put back together…the version of me was much better than the one pre-rockbottom. All the pieces that were missing were all right there and I was at peace..

All of these experiences transformed my perspective on absolutely everything and every single day I realize how blessed I am to get another day above ground, to be of service, and to be a light in the world. And talk about humility. I can say ‘I don’t know’ today. I can ask for help. I am honest with where I’m at and how I’m doing and I have a circle of people that call me out on things if I need it. I realize that small acts of kindness are so impactful in the world today. We need each other. I can empathetically relate to where someone is at and where they’re trying to go…and while I may have always been able to do that, I actually take the time to be there and sit with people today and I will cheer them on every single step of the way. And if someone needs a hand, I always have two. 

Today, I have peace of mind And there isn’t a single moment of a single day that I can’t find humor and joy if I change my perspective on what is happening. Life is truly a gift. There is a beauty in the breakdown if you keep going.  The light in me sees the light in you. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out.  I’ll try to update with more actual content soon, but please know how glad I am that you’re here. Whatever you’re doing, keep going. I am cheering for you.